I Will Stake You – Hurry, Limited Time Offer!!!

Will stake 22 – 32 year old females in $10 +1 SnG’s. Please send photos.

Oh just when I thought the poker blogging world was going to end on the low note of analyzing Richard Brodie’s macking skills or whether or not Michael Craig kisses and tells at blogger events, my heart was filled with Christmas cheer to read Brandi Hawbaker’s sored tale of roaming penises, stolen bankrolls, kindly poker legends, suicide attempts, and bat-shit crazy passport thieves.

Captain Tom Franklin + Brandi Hawbacker = 2+2 Gold

Unofficial tallies brand this 2+2 thread as the longest ever. With 2435 replies so far and new ones coming as fast as you can read them, ZeeJustin has officially had his throne of shame yanked from under him. Not only that but it has grown and invaded the NeverWin forums as well.

So, to save you the 3 – 4 hours that reading this takes, allow me to offer you the Cliff Notes version:

Brandi Hawbaker, a 24 year old aspiring professional poker player, accepts a backing deal from long-time poker pro Captain Tom Franklin. So far, I think that may be the only part of the story not in some form of dispute. According to a 2+2 post by Brandi, while they were on the road, Captain Tom slipped into her bed on night and she woke up to his penis resting on her back (which has introduced a new phrase into the poker lexicon; the Captain Tom). Brandi goes on to say that he made a few more come-on moves on her on the trip and then more or less gave up. But not before having convinced Brandi to turn over her entire bankroll to him safekeeping. When things end badly between Brandi and Capt. Tom, according to Brandi, he refuses to return her bankroll leaving her stranded. She attempts to commit suicide at Foxwoods. 2006 WPT Borgata winner, Mark Newhouse, pays for a ticket so she can go home. Phil Gordon gives her some work on a television thingy and Doyle gives her $2k. Somewhere in there she has a panic attack in the casino and while she’s laid out on the floor Dutch Boyd goes through her purse and steals her passport (according to Brandi).

Okay, so the 2+2 forums light up. Half the people are calling her a talentless whore scammer who got out-scammed and the other half calling Tom Franklin a pervert and/or a rapist. Somewhere along the way, Mark Newhouse actually pipes in and talks about who Brandi donked off about $30k from his bankroll playing on his online account, cut herself in his bathroom and wrote “I will fly one day” in blood in the bathroom and in an attempt to pay him back for the $30k she lost, starting calling guys on the phone and acting flirty in order to manipulate them into giving her some cash. Oh, and he says that she told him that her ex-boyfriend agreed to buy her into a satellite event in exchange for anal sex.

So, Brandi fires back that Mark is a whiny bitch who has lost most of the $1.2 million he won at the WPT event in cash games. She calls Micon over at NeverWin and tells him that she never slept with Mark but gave him a handjob, that she did cut herself in his bathroom but never wrote anything in blood on the walls, and that he was supervising her play when she donked off the $30k.

The last time I checked, that’s as far as the story has gone so far. But what story is complete without pictures?

From Bankroll Boost

Bankrollboost.com

From NeverWin

NeverWin – New pics of Brandi’s titties
NeverWin – Just when you thought you’ve seen all the Brandi H pics

Various Artists on 2+2