I know that not everyone reads my blog. For instance, my market penetration in the Amish community is very low. And if the affiliate manager who recently contacted me is Amish, a Luddite, or recently returned from a deserted isle ala Castaway (or Gilligan’s Island) then allow me to apologize in advance.

If on the other hand she is not I am at a total loss to explain how she has a job in the online gaming industry.  Like I said, I know not everyone reads my blog but if you’re going to pitch me on becoming an affiliate for your site I would at least expect you to spend two minutes making yourself familiar with my site.  I mean, look around.  How many RSS subscribers do I have, where did I rank in Google for certain keywords, what’s my Google Page Rank?

Don’t do that stuff to flatter me.  Do it because it’s SEO 101.  If you want me to link to you or send you business do two seconds of research before firing off the email.

And don’t insult my intelligence by cutting and pasting a form letter.

Yeah, those crazy characters are a dead giveaway that you cut and paste from a MS Word document.

But worse . . . in order to send me her canned pitch she had to submit it on my Contact page where it says:

Affiliates

Also, as you may note . . . I don’t have any affiliate banners going to online poker or gambling sites.  Yes, I know affiliate programs exist.  I attend CAP, CAC, and other industry events.  I’ve worked at Full Tilt Poker and PartyPoker and personally know many of the top affiliate managers in the business.  Unfortunately, I can’t accept ads for competing sites as it’s a conflict of interests.  Maybe one day when I decide to quit the rat race and retire on a nice island and just make huge bank from slapping affiliate banners all over my site we can talk.

In other words . . . save your time pitching me.  Subscribe to my RSS feed and maybe I’ll teach you a thing or two about the business

She actually submitted an affiliate pitch to me on a page that specifically says why I can’t be an affiliate!!!!!

I swear to god if any company is paying this woman more than 30K a year in any currency – including Zimbabwe dollars – they’re being taken for a ride.  A trained monkey can type in “online poker” and then mindlessly send emails to the first 10,000 results.

The one positive thing I have to say about this woman is that at least she hasn’t bothered to follow up.  However, another affiliate manager can’t have the same said about him so he’s opened the door for me to make a jackass out of him.

It all began back in August of last year.  On August 16, 2008 the product of parents who couldn’t be bothered with coming up with a name, Ivan Ivanov, contact me to tell me about the affiliate program at Noxwin (who BTW, has done everything it possibly can to rip off the Bwin look and feel).

I tried to be polite but let Ivan know that I had no interest.

Ivan,

I really have no interest in becoming an affiliate so sending updates and reminders is not a very good use of your time.

Thanks,

Bill

But Ivan wouldn’t be deterred so easily.  He sent the big guns after me and I received a follow up form letter email (complete with the funny cut-and-paste MS Word characters) from someone named Veselin Marinov.  Veselin wanted to make sure I was aware of the riches I would be missing out on by not promoting their site.

I didn’t respond.

A month later I received another form letter from Ivan completely ignoring our previous contact and again pitching me on the riches I am missing out on by not promoting Noxwin.

Ivan gave up on me but not Noxwin.  I was contacted yet again in December by someone going by the name of Tom.  No last name so I guess he’s like Madonna and Cher.  He must be the superstar at Noxwin. When Ivan and Veselin can’t close the sale they bring in Tom!

Formalities are not lost on Tom as he addressed me by my title, Webmaster.  He said he had just learned of my site so I assume not a lot of internal communication goes on at Noxwin.

Unfortunately, I again informed Tom that I had no interest in becoming a Noxwin affiliate.  But being told “no” simply isn’t something Tom accepts.  That’s why Tom can get by with only one name.

He emailed me again in the beginning of Feb and started off by saying:

We have invited you to our Noxwin.com Affiliate program some time ago. Since I did not get your answer I would like to invite you again.

But Tom, I did answer.  I told you I wasn’t interested!  You dirty dog, pretending not to have received my email so you could keep showing me what I’m missing by not being a Noxwin affiliate.  You’re good.  Damn good.

I didn’t respond.

But Tom would have a last name if he took no answer as a response so he emailed me yet again the other day with the same exact email as the one he sent in the beginning of Feb.

So Tom, you, Ivan and Veselin have finally gotten my attention.  I am writing about you on my blog in the hopes that you might read my post since you seem to ignore my emails telling you that I have no interest in becoming an affiliate for you.

Allow me to state in clear terms . . .

I HAVE NO INTEREST IN BECOMING A NOXWIN AFFILIATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are we clear now?

BTW, it says on your site that your office is in Tigne.  Yipee!  I live in Tigne.  I hope we meet sometime.  Then I could ask you a question that has been burning in my mind since Ivan first contacted me; is it No X Win or Nox Win?